This is an abomination. Push pause immediately.
I can't, Gerry. It's Tecmo Bowl. There's no *pause*. I'll have to call a timeout.
So call a timeout, tabernac!
If you were paying attention you'd know I'm in the middle of making a comeback. I only have one timeout left in the whole game. I have to save it. You're cheating a twelve year old kid.
Save it for what? You're down 28 to nothing in the third quarter against a 70 year old man who has never PLAYED Nintendo before.
My offense has the weapons to come back.
Call a timeout or I shut the game off.
Fine. I called a timeout. WHAT?
Are you listening to me?
Jesus. YES.
Are you aware the San Francisco 49ers have a punter on the payroll?
So?
Do you know what his job description is?
I don't care what his job description is. If I could I'd fire his ass.
We'd be the only team in the NFL with no punter.
His job is to bail you out on fourth downs and assist the gaping holes in your Castro Street defense.
What's Castro Street?
Where all your defensive players spend their nights. Trust me. Tabernac, use your punter once in a while.
My punter's job is to ride the pine and watch Joe Montana hit Jerry Rice for a 95 yard touchdown pass. And then another. And ANOTHER.
You'd still be a touchdown away from my lead.
We'd get more.
Joe Montana can't wipe his ass. You haven't completed a pass the whole game.
You cheat and look at my controller when I call my plays.
Look at my driver's license. I'm legally blind, tabernac! You throw hailmarys every time!
It doesn't mean you have to PICK IT every time.
You run your offense like I run my love life. We have the same offensive coordinator. Where has it gotten us? You're down 28 points and I've been alone for the last 9 years.
I don't punt. Punting is for queers.
Is it, now? Well, well, well---Mr. San Francisco 49ers is a burgeoning homophobe. On top of everything that ought to set your reputation back at least five whole minutes.
I'm always gonna go for it on fourth downs, Gerry. That's how I win.
That's how you LOSE. And what other twelve year old kid do YOU know who needed to borrow seventy-five dollars to payoff their Tecmo Bowl Nintendo debt at school?
He cheated by looking at my controller like YOU do.
YOU CALL THE SAME PLAY EVERY DOWN!
So?
So is this the philosophy you'll use everywhere else in life?
Maybe.
Only the best looking girl?
Uh, YEAH. As if I'm not taking Murphy to Playland this summer. As if I'm not gonna kiss her on the roller coaster.
Roller coaster? You don't kiss a girl on the roller coaster.
Why the hell not?
Because everybody knows you do it on the Ferris wheel.
I hate the Ferris wheel.
You hate the Ferris wheel?
Ferris wheels remind me of chemotherapy.
But they stop at the top, tabernac!
Stop calling me fucking tabernac, Gerry.
They stop at the top! And they wobble and creak and you're up high and she's been waiting for you to kiss her. With roller coasters you're liable to puke on her if you tried to kiss her.
I'm not kissing Murphy thinking about fucken chemo treatments.
Who do you know whose gone through chemo?
Mom forced me to watch "Beaches". And the only thing worse than watching somebody go through chemo is watching Bette Midler turn on the faucets and belt out that "Wind underneath my wings" chemo lesbian incestuous love song bullshit.
And have you ever BEEN on a Ferris wheel?
Fuck no.
But you're quite sure, if you did---
Which I WON'T---
That you couldn't kiss this Murphy---is this Murphy some red head Irish boy?
It's her last name!
I'll take your word for it. So you couldn't kiss this Murphy because in your mind you'd hear Bette Midler singing a chemo lesbian incestuous love song in your head?
Yeah.
But on a roller coaster you see yourself scoring with this Murphy?
She's not THIS Murphy. She's MURPHY. There's only One.
What about Eddie Murphy?
Not even close. If you saw her Gerry you'd get it.
So you see yourself going for it and having her as your first kiss?
Sorta.
Sorta?
I'm nervous.
Really. What happened to Mr. No Punter? Mr. Hail Mary? Mr. Always Goes For It On Fourth Down?
I'm scared to ask her.
You're afraid she cheats? She looks at your controller and knows all your plays?
She knows I like her. I'm pretty sure she does.
What's the problem?
Put it this way---
No, put her as something I understand. Put her as restaurant, Brinny.
What does this Murphy serve at Murphy's?
As a restaurant? What does that mean?
Is it HOW she serves what she serves, or WHAT she serves that makes you scared?
Man...
Why do you look so sad?
Because.
Because what?
If Murphy had a restaurant called Murphy's I don't think anybody could eat there.
Why?
For starters the reputation is too intimidating.
What's her reputation?
She's like the eighth wonder of the world, Gerry.
No she's not. I saw the Eighth Wonder of the World last week on Saturday Night's Main Event fight Hulk Hogan.
Nah, not like Andre the Giant. Like the real wonders. The Sphinx or something. The Pyramids. I dunno. One of those things you can't really do much with besides just look at or something.
What are the waitresses like at Murphy's?
I dunno.
What is the hostess like when you walk through the front door at Murphy's?
I dunno, Gerry. I think she's a virgin, so I guess nobody knows what that stuff is like.
You KNOW she's a virgin?
Sorta. Some guy tried to fool around with her but he told me she was frigid.
What is frigid?
She doesn't put out.
Oh.
So I THINK she's a virgin.
Does it matter to you?
Not really.
Take her to dinner first.
Why?
Do you know why people ask people they're interested in to dinner?
Not really.
Because you can learn a lot about somebody by how they eat.
Yeah, but then if I picked her up I'd have to shake her hand or something in front of her mom. I hate that shit.
Shaking hands is a nice custom.
I hate it.
Do you know how long you need to shake hands for?
No. Did somebody SAY how long you have to?
Yes.
Who?
I don't know.
At least you admit it.
You shake hands with someone until you notice their eye color.
Really?
Yes.
Good, then I don't have to do it. I already know Murphy's eye color. Can we finish the game now?
Okay.
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